Freitag, 6. Februar 2009

Back from Space

Huh, it has been a while since I was here. Well folks I can tell you, the last two months have been a pretty wild ride for me. End of November last year, I got abducted by this massive starship called ARCADA. They were in desperate need for a new janitor, since the last one had accidentally killed himself with his own mop. Well, the job was decent and they paid well, but then mid january we were attacked by these creepy aliens, dressed in red vinyl suits! Jeez, what a freakshow, I can tell you. Eventually, they killed like every living soul on board but me (because I was passed out in a closet from drinking two whole bottles of gin). When I regained the ability to walk, I hauled ass, eventually managing to get out of there in a little rescue pod. It was really nasty I can tell you. Oh yeah! Right before I left, this old dude, who was like dying, gave me a cartridge with "Astral Body" written on it. Back then I thought it was porn, so I took it. Anyway, I managed to get outta there, just before the whole thing blew up. No idea what happened there. I set the autopilot and fell asleep. When I woke up again my pod had already had a crash landing on a desert planet. It really wasn't my week. I wandered around for at least two days, finding nothing but rocks and then all of a sudden this weird spiderlike robot comes down from the sky and tries to kill me. I threw a freakin' rock at it and trashed it. Then I discovered this secret passage that led to a cave where I had to overcome a laser-barrier dodge acid dropping from the ceiling and fight against a monster that seemed to consist solely of tentacles. Eventually I found this alien dude who told me that I had to kill this monster that was terrorizing the canyon. After a couple of hours I found it and evetually got rid of it by tricking it into eating my bottle of compressed water. The result was quite disgusting. After that, the alien dude was crazily happy and gave me a skimmer to ride to the next space harbor. Before that I managed to look at the Astral Body porn on his computer, which prooved to be no porn at all, but a secret message recorded by the old guy on the ARCADA when we were attacked. Apparently the ARCADA had this star generator on board which was like really important to them. For whatever reason. I went on the skimmer and raced to Ulence Flats, the space harbor, dodging rocks on the way. Amazingly enough they had a bar there, so after I sold the shitty skimmer I got trashed at the bar, listening to the Blues Brothers who did a life performance that night. I played the one armed bandit, won a shitload of money and bought a space ship and a navigation robot. But the only coordinates I knew, were from this drunk guy at the bar, who said something about a Sarien space ship in sector HH. Oh, did I mention that the Sarien were those bastards who blew up the ARCADA? No? Well, I do so now. So, since I had nowhere to go, I was like "what the fuck, I'm gonna get that star generator back". I got into the space ship gave my robot the coordinates and BAM! I was gone. The space ship was pretty neat, so it only took me like a day to fly to sector HH. I found the Sarien Spaceship got on board, got myself a Sarien space suit and a rifle and eventually killed every single alien bastard on the ship. The only bad thing that happened was that instead of saving the star generator, I accidentally blew it up. I boarded another little ship from the Sarien one, which fortunately knew the coordinates to Xenon, the home planet of those ARCADA dudes. Well, for some weird reason they were happy about what I had done and awarded me with a golden mop. Freaks. They brought me home afterwards, but it took quite a while to get here. Apparently we live like in the most shithole galaxy there is. So yeah, that was my story. Since I'm back now, I'm gonna post more frequently on this board. Oh, one more thing. Outer Space has shit graphics!